Better

I am so hurt my heart is hurt my soul is hurt.

 I am alive but I don't know that this is how I'm supposed to feel.

 People would say oh you know, you're 55 and you're alive and your grandmother did the best job She could to take care of you. And she did, but my grandmother doing the best job wasn't her job  I had two parents who brought me into this world who never stop to think of me and I don't understand why I still struggle with the  I still wonder why and there's no answer because no one is giving me an answer. I've never had a conversation with my mother and believe it or not. It's so hard to consider her. My mother because she only gave birth to me and then she left me.

 As an adult, I still feel the void of not having a hug from my parents and it hurts so much and how dare you try to tell me to get over it because I'm grown and I'm alive that has nothing to do with the emotional pain that I feel from not having my parents.  Even though I'm grown. I yearn for the day what I could have someone say? I truly love you and care for you. And I wish you all the best. I never had a parent who tells me to be careful or take care of myself because they love me.

 Being an adult and doing my own thing and raising my own. It has nothing Do it the pain I feel the  trauma. I endure not having someone there to help me to guide my steps to Hug me to love me to let me know that it will be okay regardless.

 But mother dearest, what were you thinking? Have you ever thought of me or give a thought to me?  And dad you let her ruin my life. Or try to ruin my life. You let her because you never stop to search for me it hurts so much. And I still yearn for the day when I could see my dad and you look at your little girl and you just give me the biggest hug in the world, but will that ever happen? I don't know.  My fear is that you will be gone and I will never get that opportunity ever. I don't care if you're the worst human on earth. I never got a chance to know you to know if you're good or bad or somewhere between. I was never given a chance and you never took the chance.  To get to know me.

 But for some reason I still yearn for you. I still look over my shoulder. And I still wonder, could that be my dad. Is that what my dad looks? Does he think like me. Does he like the things I like?  Do we think I like that? Have you ever thought of me on my birthdays or Christmas or Father's Day? Have you ever thought about your daughter, your little girl who you never got to know, but you still didn't fight to know me. I'm not okay.  But it will be okay.

 I will make sure of that. My pain will  probably last forever. But I want to heal myself from it in a way where I can move on with my life and not be bogged down with the thought.  Of the two people that brought me to this world who just left me to the world without a care in the world.