BORN WITHOUT DIRECTION

Being born without direction is painful and only the person who  experiences such life altering journey truly understands. Imagine growing up and finding out that you weren't truly wanted. Well since no one  ever given me an explanation,  I  was left with no choice but to  form my own opinion and conclusions. Don't remember the  circumstances that led to the revelation; however for the first time  I experienced what it feels like to be stripped of my identity, and there was no sense of security. As a child I felt naked,  raw, open, and  exposed. Just imagine being told the woman who raised you, whom you called mama, wasn't your real mother, but that is not all! Your actual mother  tried to give you away to a number of people  in the community and your father didn't even bother to find you. The individuals who are responsible for my existence, did not care that they didn't  prepare me for the future. I  was left without direction from the two people who were supposed to love me,  at eight months  you gave up on me, was I not worth it for you to fight for me? I  look at my eight month old granddaughter  and I feel like I'm looking at me been abandoned by my parents. Have I ever crossed your mind? I  must not have, or else I would've been on your priority list.  When  I look at my eight month old granddaughter and remembering my grandmother telling me that at eight month old she took me from. My mother who would get me dressed every morning and go to different women in the neighborhood to give me away,I  hug this precious little ball of energy tight kiss her on the forehead and promise to love her with everything I've got. I never and still do not understand  how someone could just walk away and never looked back, never worrying about the well being of an innocent soul. Even though my grandmother took me in, it still doesn't excuse the fact that I had two parents that brought me into the world and never stop to give direction to my life. Being born without Direction is having your child, turning your back on that child. Regardless of who raise that child it is your obligation as parents to make sure that your child has Direction in life direction for life, I was innocent I was raised without information that would help me make choices in life that would not emotionally harm me for the rest of my life, I trusted everyone because I was raised by a woman who showed me as a child pureness I didn't know otherwise I was raised among family members who I trusted male and female and to the outside world I didn't know better I didn't know that there could be danger lurking around the corner I trusted everyone, and that has hurt me on so many levels to the point of not understanding what was happening to me until I got older, I have flashbacks, I remember and I could put a name to all the bad things that happened to me and I realized that I was emotionally broken and I had to pick myself up, I had to seek Counseling to relieve myself of the emotional heartbreak and baggage that comes along with not giving the proper direction in life to be able to navigate life It was and still is painful. My life is a work in progress and I must continue to heal my heart  and mind.  If I don't seem to get over my childhood trauma it is because of the precious moments in  my children's lives, each milestone that means the world to me, would have me stop in my tracks to  wonder about myself, why wasn't I good enough or even worth my parents time to care. Even though I hurt for me,  I  cherish every moment,  every  milestone in my children's life. For me  it is a constant struggle and battle with myself, but the best part about it is that having my children was and still is my saving grace. And now  I have a granddaughter the same age I was when my story began, and I realize that these milestones are never going away and I  have to now self direct my life from here on out because there will always be questions that I  don't have an answer to. Each milestone in my children's life is a proud moment as a mom and a question as a child who has these unfulfilled unanswered voids in her life. I will  continue to take  comfort in knowing that my  life is filled with special and precious moments and every day I consider myself blessed. Born without direction is a process of self redirection and self building for me.