I have always wondered about you, I've ask about you. but I was never given an explanation or an answer as to why you were never in my life. I have searched for you, only to have my letter sent back to me with the words; REFUSED! Written in bold letters on the envelope. And once again I have been Refused. I have a void in my life so large, I feel like I'm drowning and there is no one to save me. Dad you gave up on me before getting to know me. Everytime I get rejected or hurt by people in and outside of my life It makes me think that if one of the people responsible for my existence who should've been my protector, my Guiding Light, the rock in my life, the person I looked up to, have not made an effort to be in my life it makes every rejection, every struggle feels that much harder. And it's more difficult to know your worth when from birth you are worth nothing to the people responsible for you being born. Everytime I watch a show about a father daughter bond, or hear another woman or girl talks about her dad; it immediately feels like a wrench in my heart. Sometimes the pain I feel is so unbearable to the point where I feel like I would explode in a moment. I remember attending a wedding and everything was perfect leading up to the father daughter dance and I couldn't hold back the tears. I felt the most heart wrenching pain that a person could have ever imagined. I could not have brought myself to move from my seat. So you see daddy dearest, walking away from my life, giving up on me, not giving me that fighting chance, remains a struggle for me. I will never understand why you made a decision not to fight for your little girl regardless of the roadblocks that existed. You should have fought but you quit. I have two beautiful children and I would never ever have walked away from their life, I would have fought with everything I've got to be a parent to them. Tell me Daddy dearest how are you able to live your life knowing you walk away from mine? Can you imagine living your life feeling like an alien; the story behind your existence was never talked about, and you feel like you are living in a valley and there are these mountains surrounding you, and you are calling out and no one can hear you, you are reaching out over the mountains and there was never anyone reaching back to you and the hopelessness that you feel is so unbearable, but you just keep fighting, and sometimes you wonder what is the fight about or why you fight? But the fight is for me for my sanity, because I was never fought for, or taught how to fight, but I still fight. I now fight for me, my survival, my self worth my peace of mind, my happiness. I fight for me because you never gave me a fighting chance.
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